the pregnancy.

I hesitated to start writing this as it is of a very personal nature, but writing is healing for me. And if my life’s story can in any way bless or encourage another human walking a similar path, I want to do that for the glory of God. So I will write about my miscarriage.

The week before Christmas I took a pregnancy test. Believe me I have taken many of these tests in the past three and a half years we have been married (maybe it is something about being raised in a Christian home or maybe just choosing to be a virgin till I got married- but I am just always under the assumption that I might be pregnant. Hahaha). Since I had never had a positive test I started reminding myself I was just being crazy and that there was no way we were pregnant since, of course we haven’t even been trying to conceive since we started the adoption process. But this time was different. I felt something in me say to be more of a Mary and less of a Zachariah. See since Christmas was coming up I had been reading Luke 1 and 2. Zachariah was visited by an angel and told his wife (Mary’s cousin) was going to have a baby (John the Baptist). Instead of believing he kept telling the angel how that could not be and how he must be mistaken. But when the angel visited Mary to tell her she was pregnant with Jesus her ultimate response to this insane news was: May it be to me as you have said (Luke 1:38).

So I started telling Jesus “may it be to me as you have said” instead of all the negative “there is no way I am pregnant” talk I had been doing.

So there I was taking the 100^th pregnancy test in the last three years (I am exaggerating slightly)… and I saw them- two lines. I could hardly believe it. I have been waiting to see those lines for so long and I never knew if I would, but there they were. My eyes filled with tears, I dropped to my knees and thanked Jesus. What a blessing. What a miracle. The next day I surprised Mike with the news and then the family and eventually my extended family on Christmas Eve (you always want to have something fun to announce on Christmas Eve since it is just the best party of the year and  literally my whole family from both my mom and dad’s sides try to attend). It was like a dream.

I did not understand how it was going to work, we were going from a family of three to a family of five in just months with this new little one + our newest addition from India (we have a beautiful match, but that is for a soon to come blog update!!!!). How was God going to work out me being pregnant and us completing our adoption (pregnancy is greatly frowned upon when you are adopting and can halt the entire process). I did not have answers but I knew God did.

We had one week of this bubbling over excitement. Then exactly one week later the cramping and bleeding started. I knew almost instantly it wasn’t right, but I hoped against all odds it was not what I thought it was.

Saturday I had a miscarriage.

Talk about going from extreme highs to extreme lows. A miscarriage taxes you in every way possible. I am definitely still physically and emotionally drained. But I have found that I can still say: May it be to me as You have said. I can still choose to be Mary and trust instead of choosing the path of bitterness or fear. And I completely understand this is not of my doing- it is the Holy Spirit. Because I am weak, we are all weak. But He is strong in us. Though I still have tears, I can confidently say I am so so so beyond thankful for God allowing me to be pregnant. I begged to see those two lines show up so many different months in a row. I did not know if I would ever know what it feels like to be living the miracle of human life growing inside my womb. The week I knew we were pregnant was such a gift. God did not have to give that to me, but He did. How very kind. I know so many women who long to see those two lines and have not. I know their struggle and their heart ache. So I do not take that miracle lightly. But I treasure it. {this blog post was going to be titled “the miscarriage” but I had to change it to “the pregnancy" because gratitiude is what I am holding on to through this}.

 I have also thought of the book of Job in the Old Testament in the second chapter -so many hard and horrible things have happened to him and his wife is totally over it and she tells him to just curse God and die. But he says- shall we accept good from God and not bad also (total paraphrase). It is easy to give glory to God and thank Him when our lives are easy and feel full of good things, but what about when tragedy hits us? I think somehow He is even closer during the times of trials in our lives.

A friend miscarried very near to when I did and I gave her a note with this poem in it that had been on my heart. It was quoted by Elizabeth Elliot at a funeral and it has stuck with me since I heard it. If you are going through a hard time, if you have had a miscarriage or lost your job or just feel like all is lost maybe this poem will be a blessing to you as well.

The Thorn
by Martha Snell Nicholson

I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
I cried, “But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me.”
He said, “My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.”
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

Thank you to everyone who has wrapped my little family up in your arms of love these past few days. It is amazing to watch the hands of Jesus reach out to you through your family and friends when you are walking a difficult path. I hope I can repay each of you for all you have done for us.

If you are walking through a hard time- cry, grieve, express your pain and be real but don’t forget to look up at the One who is holding you. We will get through this. We might be physically exhausted and emotionally drained and pale as a sheet from blood loss… but we were pregnant and that was such a beautiful gift.

 For “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10).

Hurting Yet Hopeful

     About two weeks ago I received an e mail from my adoption social worker asking if we could speak on the phone with her supervisor as soon as possible. Mike and I both had a bad feeling. Neither of us would verbalize it, but the pit in our stomachs was mutual.

     Mike was at work so I spoke with our social worker alone. She and her supervisor broke the news to me that Little Moon was no longer available to be adopted internationally but that India would be looking for an Indian family to adopt him domestically. They said there was nothing they could do. We were no longer matched with him.

 I told them I knew God was in control, she prayed for my family and Little Moon.

Click.

Tears.

Tears from a fountain whose source seemed endless.

     I called Mike and tried to sound calm, he held back tears as well and we both told each other we were sorry we were not together for that moment. I text my parents and siblings to get some prayers and support. My sweet parents who were on their way to the beach turned right around and headed to my house so that I wouldn’t have to be alone (a better family I couldn’t even imagine).

     Of course, since this is reality, I couldn’t just kneel down and cry out to Jesus with all my questions or curl up in a ball…Milla’s Easter party at school was already in progress and I was getting text messages asking if I was coming in (you see-I took the social workers call in my car at the school parking lot). Thank God for my neighbor who was waiting for me inside the school gates. She hugged me and helped me make it through the Easter party without Milla noticing her mama’s hurting heart (thank you Brittany).

     Mike ended up coming home from work. He didn’t want me to be without him, a blessing I never want to take for granted. We did not want to tell Milla until we had talked things through together and processed a bit. So that night Mike and I sat on the couch and talked and cried and prayed. We decided that we needed to ask for reconsideration from the Indian government on Little Moon’s behalf. We did not want to give up without fighting for him. I don’t think I would have forgiven myself if I hadn’t.

     Our adoption agency reiterated that there was nothing they could do. So we looked elsewhere. The amount of God’incidneces and connections that I saw that week was amazing (not even kidding, I found a woman who fell in love with Lille Moon a year ago and was wanting to adopt him then! No way it could be anything other than God showing us how small we are and how intricate His dealings are within our lives).

     Well, after two weeks of holding our breaths, we received a final “no” from the Indian government. They reevaluated his file and they will be looking for an Indian domestic family to adopt this sweet boy.

     It is all still very raw to us. Even just typing this has me in tears. Some days I feel numb and unmotivated. Others I just feel sad. But through it all I feel so hopeful for what is to come. I am so grateful that I can fall back on my Rock. God knows what He is doing. I don’t want to trust Little Moon to anyone else, but God loves him more than I ever could and I do trust that. He has a plan and a purpose for that little man’s life. Maybe his file was brought to us so that we could become his prayer parents. I do know he is forever in our hearts. I have many children in China who I have loved as if they were my own for the past decade. He will be added to that most precious list. He may never know, but he has a prayer mama for life now.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28

I believe this.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me” Psalm 23:4

I believe this.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:1-3

{Comfort for all who mourn. A crown of beauty instead of ashes. The oil of joy. The garment of praise.}

I believe this.

     This in new territory emotionally for Mike, Milla and me. I am praying through this we can gain a new perspective of who God is: His love, His character. It is an opportunity to learn something about Him that we may have never known otherwise and I don’t want that to be wasted. I do not want sadness and frustration to cloud the beauty of what He is doing and what He wants to show us each moment of each new day. This is of course so much easier said than done, so please keep us in your prayers. Our hearts are still feeling the loss, and we desire so much for Little Moon to have the security and safety a forever family brings. Join with us in covering him with prayer.

     Thank you for holding our hands as we walk through this. I hope that if any of you reading this are suffering from loss this might be an encouragement somehow. Life is hard. Adoption is hard. Love is hard. But if we are called, we know that we CAN do it. God is with us, we will not fail.

{just as a side note, worship has been my constant companion these last two weeks. i wake up with a song and fall to sleep singing as well. if you are fighting or wrestling through something, might i suggest letting your heart be calmed by praise. fight on your knees & let your weapon be your worship} 

It's A Boy!!!!

   

     Mike has been saying it’s a boy for months… since we stared this process actually. I have been indifferent, wanting both sides of my divided household to be happy (as Milla has been pretty adamant about wanting a little sister). I held to the fact that God knows who our next child is and I was happy with it either way.

     The Call: Okay so lets be real, I had just gotten Milla out to school and I was so tired that I laid back down in bed to try and nap (real talk for all the mamas out there). Right then, of course, my phone started ringing. The caller id was from an unknown number so I ignored it and rolled over. But something was tugging at my heart.

“Ding” someone left a message.

My heart started to pound. The message was from our adoption social worker. Shaking I called her back. One of the first few sentences out of her mouth was “We have a potential match for you”! Not kidding, as she spoke those words the garage door started to open (meaning Mike was getting home from work). Talk about the most perfect timing ever. I ran and met him at the door with excitement in my eyes-

“Babe- its our adoption social worker. They have a match for us”. His eyes got huge guys.

She started describing what she knew about our little guy and I watched Mikes eyes fill with tears. We were both speechless and in awe. It was crazy watching Mike. I remember doing this on my own five years ago. I sat on my apartment floor. Just me and Jesus. Listening to the details about this little Ugandan girl, totally undone and excited and nervous all at once. So many emotions. Only Jesus to watch my eyes and facial expressions. This time I studied Mike as we listened. It was so fun to see his emotion and to share that with another human being. I can imagine what the Lord must have seen in my eyes and heart as I sat on the floor with Him. Both memories are held so dear to my heart. One is not greater than the other, both are rare and priceless moments I keep locked in a treasure chest. Neither moment will I ever forget.

“Do you guys think this is a file you would like to look over?”

“YES!!!!! Definitely yes” we both spoke over one another. Hahaha. I am sure she could tell we were excited. We waited and prayed. And then we accepted his file.

     That is really how it all went down. No glitz or fireworks. No light coming down from heaven on a file that glowed in the sunlight. Just a step of obedience to our Jesus. Just a step closer to the little one that God has placed in front of us. Many joyful tears of course. Much laughter and rejoicing. Many more prayers being offered up, just with a face in mind now.

We are having a son. He is three years old. He has wispy curls, large dark eyes, a clever smile and may have a little mustache a’growing already. His name means moon so we have lovingly been calling him our “Little Moon” as we pray for him and talk about him. Milla even brought home a picture she colored from school of him today that said “moon boy” over it. She is so excited about having a brother (total praise report since she has been tenaciously adamant about only having sisters since Mike and I got married and the thought of a sibling became more of a reality to us all).  She is going to be the BEST big sister. She talks about him constantly and prays for him each night.

Only One: I thought I should mention this. So yes, we were open to adopting a sibling set of two children. But, we were only matched with this one boy. Could we ask for more or reject this file and insist on two… yes. But why would we? This is the one God has brought to us. Yes, we want to save all the orphans in all the world, but we also want what God gives to us.

Not more, not less.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there is a reason God has placed just this one boy with us. We are content and thankful for our son.

Please Please Please continue to pray for us! Even though we have been matched this orphanage has been known to take up to a year to let families come and complete the process. We are praying and asking God for a shorter amount of time. We would love to bring him home so much sooner than that. We rest in knowing that God’s timing is perfect, but we pray that if He wills…. It could be expedited!

We are so thankful for each of you. Your love, encouragement, support and prayers have kept us going! We need them now more than ever as there are mountains and valleys ahead of us (waiting being one of the most difficult). God has been so amazing to give us all that we need. So we rest in Him and take another step.

We are coming for you little Moon.

{Photo Credit to our sweet cousin Hannah Sweet... I text her and asked if she could come with us and "take a few pics" and she captured so much love! Thank you love!!!!!}

We are Expecting... from India

Ahhhh even typing this out gets me so crazy excited!!! Allow me to explain a bit...

So, lets rewind all the way back to 2005. My sister Sarah was teaching a computer animation course in Madras Southern India and I tagged along as her side kick. I spent the first week doing ministry side by side with the YWAM group there (three native Indians). We tutored children, traveled to the middle of nowhere to bring gypsies toiletries and pray with them, visited the poor…etc. It was really wonderful (and so hot!). Then Sarah and I traveled North. Though the county was so beautiful I found myself becoming paralyzed as I saw the need around me. My heart longed to help, heal and rescue the beggars and children I saw living in poverty around me in large cities like Mumbai & New Delhi. But as two young girls traveling alone there was not much we could do- or not much we knew how to do at least.

That trip as I spent time with the Lord, He continually gave me a song: “Ask and I’ll give the nations to you, Oh Lord, that’s the cry of my heart…” it was from Psalm 2:8 “Ask of Me and I will make the nations your heritage…”. Well, I tried to make it very clear to the Lord that my heart was in China. Didn’t He remember that that was the country He had burdened me for since high school and, in fact, He was taking me there later that year? How could He forget that? I did not want to do ministry in India, I wanted China. And as you all know, China has been a huge part of my life and my heart until today! But India- not so much.

Well fast forward to 2018; I have had so many overseas adventures in China, I became a nurse, God allowed me to adopt from Africa and get married. So much has happened since my India trip, and honestly I have never really thought about returning.  But, as Mike and I would talk about where we wanted to adopt from once our two year anniversary hit, neither one of us had a specific pull to a certain place. *the two year wedding anniversary is significant because most countries want couples to have been married for two years before they can start the adoption process.

So we prayed.

One evening, Mike mentioned adopting from India. I told him I would look in to it, but after some conflicting information I did not think much of it. Then he mentioned it again. I was pretty certain I wanted to adopt from Africa again and I would bring up other places… then he mentioned it again. One day I really thought I found the country we were going to start the process with and came home very excited only to discover that we needed to be married for five years to adopt from that specific African country I had been so sure about…

So then I thought “what if we are suppose to adopt from India?” Once I started an open dialog between myself and Jesus about India, He brought Psalm 2 to my heart… AND HE BLEW MY MIND!!!!! My heritage, my inheritance… what if He meant my child/children? What if so many years ago He was giving me a promise that one of my children would be from that very country? And then He sent me a husband who is not only excited to adopt and rescue children, but one who would be persistent in how the Lord was pulling on his heart until I would sit and listen to God myself…Wow Lord!!! Really?! Talk about a God who puts all the pieces in to place at the right time. When I was in India with my sister I wasn’t thinking about adoption. I was young and had orphan care ministries on my heart and mind. But now at this stage in my life I see the promise that was given to me as such a young girl. Though I didn’t understand it, He was faithful to speak it in to my heart so that one day I would look back and glorify Him!  How and why is He so good to us? Though we may be the “least of these” He has so much joy giving us these glimpses of His omniscience. I stand in awe each time I think of this!

So yes, we are excited to tell you all we are adopting from India. And even more excited to tell you all that God is alive and well- He reaches down to our lives and interjects Himself into this mundane world and makes it so beautiful. I am so thankful we are His.

WHY aren’t you having your own?

I thought I would address this question because, to be honest every time I tell someone that we are adopting, they ask if we are going to have any biological children.

 If I am completely honest, I silently assumed Mike and I would get married, get pregnant and then adopt once we hit the 2 or 3 year mark in our marriage. But God had other plans. I have not gotten pregnant. But God has placed this path in front of us. I will be blunt- I was annoyed I did not get pregnant these last two years. I kept waiting and waiting and it did not happen. I was a little bit frustrated for a bit. But, there are four things He has reminded me of:

1)     He loves me. His love for me is so perfect and so deep and so intimate. I am not being punished by not getting pregnant. God has something far better than I can imagine going on and I need to trust him.

2)      I have a tattoo on my right ankle that states “I am not my own”. Bottom line, I was purchased with the blood of Jesus Christ which is invaluable- I am His. He has full rule, reign and authority in my life. I would be lying if I had that tattoo on my body yet lived as my own, following my own desires or whims. I can abandon myself and my desires to Him because He knows what is best for me. Being His is much better than being my own.

3)     There are children all over the world who are beaten, crying, going to bed hungry, hurting, scared, mistreated, abused… and the Lord has given my husband and I a united heart to help them. So how can I be upset with that? Praise God He finds us worthy to love a child in need. What a privilege and gift to be their safety and to introduce them to Jesus as healer and redeemer!

4)     Shadow Step. The song the Lord gave me at the start of this year. As we start this journey towards the child that the Lord has given us we proclaim, “Light up the way of Your heart. Move me like You do the mountains, move me like You do the wind. And I’ll chase Your voice through the dark. Fix my eyes on the unexpected. In the wonder of Your shadow step, so take another step…”

So the simple answer is -we do not know if we will have biological children. We are taking the path that is in front of us, one step at at time! I do know right now we are pursuing our child (or children) in India and that is beautiful! The adventures after that are known only by the One who knows us best.

Thank you all for being on this journey with us. We covet your prayers and the strength that comes from the body of Christ! We know this to be a big undertaking, but as a child sits and waits for us scared, crying, hungry and in need of the love of Christ-  we are compelled to move. So take another step…

Not a Prisoner of My Circumstances {thoughts from church last Sunday}

{Ephesians 3:1}

“For this reason I, Paul, a prisoner of Christ Jesus…”

Last Sunday I was sitting in Church listening to Pastor Brian as he taught us from the book of Ephesians and this verse has stuck with me this week. It keeps running through my mind.

Paul was sitting in a prison pit while he wrote this (literally a big hole dug in the ground where prisoners were thrown). He was being held captive in Rome. He was a prisoner of Rome… but that is not what he says when he addresses those he is writing to. No, he doesn’t even mention Rome at all. Instead, he says “a prisoner of… Christ Jesus”

He did not see himself as a prisoner to any man- or to his circumstances. Rather he saw himself as a prisoner of Jesus. Serving God and Him alone wholeheartedly, with all his strength and with all his life. Surly if he believed everything he preached it would make sense to come to this conclusion.

He believed that God was all powerful. He believed that God could work all things together for good. He believed that trials led to increased faith and Godliness (which is more precious than gold). He believed that he was chosen by God & that God gives mercy and grace. He believed that whether he had plenty or was in want- he had all he needed in Jesus and was satisfied.

And I believe all of that as well.

But when I look at my life, do I see my circumstances or do I see my position in Christ. Unfortunately, all too often it’s the former.

What if instead of being a prisoner to pride, or anger, or frustration, or stress… we were prisoners to Jesus Christ.  Doesn’t that just loosen the chains a bit?! Who can hear them fall to the ground in the dirty old cell? Those things actually have no power over us if we are not locked up to their ball and chain.

Or look at it a different way… what if instead of being the wife of Michael Cannon, I was the wife of Christ Jesus. Or instead of being the mother to Milla Ssuubi, I was the mother of Christ Jesus. Or what if when we saw the orphan, the widow, the homeless, the beggar… we saw Christ Jesus. Would that change the way I was a wife, a mom, or the way I looked at each human I encountered? Yes.

This is both mind blowing and freeing. And it was only the beginning of Paul’s first sentence in the third chapter of his letter to the Ephesians.

Now even though this has been running through my head all week it does not mean I have fully grasped it or put it in to practice each moment. I have put the chains of stress on more than once this week. I have for sure used a tone with Mike and Milla at least once that I would never have used with Jesus. I drove passed a homeless man just today without a thought. I am just being honest. But I know the Lord wants this truth to sink in deeper. To free us from our chains and to remind us how to see the world around us. Meditate on this with me. Grow in this with me. Our ministries, our families, or communities, our world would look much different if we put this in to practice.

Let us be prisoners of our Lord Jesus Christ and never to our circumstances.  Amen!

{32}

It seems like so much of my 20’s and even the start of my 30’s were filled with these questions: Where? Who? When? Why?...etc. But in this last year of life what I asked more often was: How?  Sure, the other questions were in there too, but more often than not- “How” was the question that resonated in my heart.

How do I become a gracious and submissive wife? How do I raise Milla to the glory of God? How do I keep a house and work full time and take care of my family? How do I have a global and missional mindset when I live here in Murrieta? How do I fit in quiet times to crazy schedules? How do I fit in sleep or exercise? How do I reach my community with God’s love? How am I suppose to be intentional towards my relationships with family/friends/neighbors? Anyone else ask these questions to themselves?

“HOW” has been overwhelming. And more often than not, I have looked to the “how” and become buried underneath it’s weight rather than looking at the “Who” that stands behind all of these gifts. The Lord has given me so much. I am blessed beyond my imagination with the way the Lord has dealt with me. And yet I think that I look to His blessings and become overwhelmed by how to wield them most appropriately. And honestly, I didn’t notice till I was thinking back on this year just today.

What I need is the Spirit. That is all. I need to look to the “Who” and not the “How”. God stands behind me and before me. Nothing is impossible with Him. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives inside me. I need His Spirit to breathe life into me, my family, my home, my ministry, my work, my passions…Like a rushing wind. So reallllly there is only one really important “how” that needs to be answered: How do I spend more time sitting in the presence of the Lord? Life flows from His throne room. Nothing else matters, all else will fall in to place if only I sit staring in to His beautiful face.

So this is my challenge for year 32. To look deeply into the eyes of the “Who” and stop the exhaustion of trying to dissect the “how”.

Who is with me?!?

We sang this song at church today and it is a perfect anthem for this next year of life:

I Surrender

Here I am,Down on my knees again

Surrendering allSurrendering allFind me here, Lord as you draw me nearI'm desperate for youI'm desperate for you
Drench my soulAs mercy and grace unfoldI hunger and thirstI hunger and thirstWith arms stretched wideI know you hear my crySpeak to me nowSpeak to me now
I want to know you more I want to know you more
Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have your way
Lord have your way in me
Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have your way
Lord have your way in me

I surrender I surrender

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcnfT4arZtI

6 months of bliss; yet there is a greater Joy still.

6 months ago I married a man I have loved for years. 

Michael is strong and works hard with his hands. He has such a giving heart (always willing to pay more than he should, or give to any homeless man he sees) and is so compassionate. He gives and does not expect to be repaid. He is brave (while I was picking up Milla in Uganda, this man was in Burma helping the army of refugees learn how to treat their wounded with emergency medical training) and he is willing to take risks. He has rough hands but they are gentile.  He is stubborn, but he stays true to the Truth of his convictions. He loved Milla as a daughter even before he saw her picture for the first time. And he is in love with our God and desires to walk in a way that is honoring to Him.

I am so blessed.

Our wedding was perfect {besides the freezing cold… who knew it was going to snow in May up near Lake Arrowhead}. It was more than I could have dreamed or asked for.  I don’t know why I was so blessed.

After the most magical of evenings- we went down the mountain to learn how to be each other’s help mates for the rest of our lives. It has been a beautiful 6 months!

{back track with me for a moment} I remember life leading up to going to Uganda to pick up my daughter. It was so crazy because God had spoken clearly to me about that direction in my life, then He fulfilled that very longing and desire. I remember wondering what it would feel like after the act of becoming a mother to this orphaned child God had called me to. Was I somehow going to be at this new, higher level of spirituality? Was I going to have greater faith and slay larger giants after this act of fulfilling God’s heart? WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE??? But you know what? after it was all said and done… I felt like Rose Barnes. Obviously life changed greatly, but who I was and how I felt was pretty much the same. I continued to grow in love with the Lord and continued to rely on Him the same ways. It wasn’t like I reached a higher level of my Calling or became a superhuman because the Lord had done this, if nothing else I have gotten more tired and realized the extent of my depravity by becoming a mother. Once Milla and I were home and settled remember thinking to myself, “God you are still the best thing. I still need you most. Your presence is still what I crave and what feeds my soul…orphan care and motherhood are wonderful but they are nothing compared to You.”

{back to present} As I entered in to this season of marriage I think I was waiting for life to  feel differently. From the moment we see Cinderella as young children we are waiting for our Prince Charming’s to come riding up on a horse and sweep us off our feet. Finding your person is made to be such a big deal! It’s what all of high school and college tries to be centered around. If your single your wondering when “the one” will come. If your dating, you wonder if he is “the one”. I spent 30 years loving every moment of being single, but I was definitely-always keeping my eye out and trying to figure out who mister right was so I didn’t make a mistake or miss him somehow. And here I am married to such an amazing man and I love him with all my heart… but you know what? I find myself saying, “God you are still the best thing. I still need you most. Your presence is still what I crave and what feeds my soul…being married is wonderful- but it is nothing compared to You.”

His presence is still unrivaled. His love is still unmatched.

So to those of you who are single. Is being married great? Yes! I have someone to open all my jars of tomato sauce for me (though every time I asked Jesus to do that for me as a single gal, He always came through haha), I have someone to fix things that break, someone to bounce ideas off of, someone to talk to as I fall asleep at night and kiss me good morning… but when I got married there was no magical change that occurred. I am still sinful in need of a Savior. I still need to be with the Lord because that is still the only thing that can fill my soul!

And for those of us who are married {whether it be 6 days or 60 years} let’s remember that our spouses are a blessing, but they are not our God.  Can they give us a very unique love that is different than any other relationship we have here on earth? Yes. But they are still human. We need to look to Heaven for our daily bread and not to our spouse. He will come up short and will mess up because he is flawed just like you are. And even though marriage is such a great blessing … let us remember that God is still the best thing and ensure that He is still on the throne of our hearts.

His love is unmatched. His grace flows so freely. Dip your hearts in the stream of Life that flows from His throne room so you can bless your husband, your children, your community and this world.

I think that somehow I assumed that with each life change things would feel different or change at some point or there would be a shift in the atmosphere somehow…

But in my heart- His presence is still unrivaled and His love is still unmatched. And I have a strange suspicion that this will remain a constant for the rest of eternity.

Happy 6 month anniversary Mr Cannon. I look forward to 100 more years at your side with the Lord enthroned in our hearts!