the pregnancy.

I hesitated to start writing this as it is of a very personal nature, but writing is healing for me. And if my life’s story can in any way bless or encourage another human walking a similar path, I want to do that for the glory of God. So I will write about my miscarriage.

The week before Christmas I took a pregnancy test. Believe me I have taken many of these tests in the past three and a half years we have been married (maybe it is something about being raised in a Christian home or maybe just choosing to be a virgin till I got married- but I am just always under the assumption that I might be pregnant. Hahaha). Since I had never had a positive test I started reminding myself I was just being crazy and that there was no way we were pregnant since, of course we haven’t even been trying to conceive since we started the adoption process. But this time was different. I felt something in me say to be more of a Mary and less of a Zachariah. See since Christmas was coming up I had been reading Luke 1 and 2. Zachariah was visited by an angel and told his wife (Mary’s cousin) was going to have a baby (John the Baptist). Instead of believing he kept telling the angel how that could not be and how he must be mistaken. But when the angel visited Mary to tell her she was pregnant with Jesus her ultimate response to this insane news was: May it be to me as you have said (Luke 1:38).

So I started telling Jesus “may it be to me as you have said” instead of all the negative “there is no way I am pregnant” talk I had been doing.

So there I was taking the 100^th pregnancy test in the last three years (I am exaggerating slightly)… and I saw them- two lines. I could hardly believe it. I have been waiting to see those lines for so long and I never knew if I would, but there they were. My eyes filled with tears, I dropped to my knees and thanked Jesus. What a blessing. What a miracle. The next day I surprised Mike with the news and then the family and eventually my extended family on Christmas Eve (you always want to have something fun to announce on Christmas Eve since it is just the best party of the year and  literally my whole family from both my mom and dad’s sides try to attend). It was like a dream.

I did not understand how it was going to work, we were going from a family of three to a family of five in just months with this new little one + our newest addition from India (we have a beautiful match, but that is for a soon to come blog update!!!!). How was God going to work out me being pregnant and us completing our adoption (pregnancy is greatly frowned upon when you are adopting and can halt the entire process). I did not have answers but I knew God did.

We had one week of this bubbling over excitement. Then exactly one week later the cramping and bleeding started. I knew almost instantly it wasn’t right, but I hoped against all odds it was not what I thought it was.

Saturday I had a miscarriage.

Talk about going from extreme highs to extreme lows. A miscarriage taxes you in every way possible. I am definitely still physically and emotionally drained. But I have found that I can still say: May it be to me as You have said. I can still choose to be Mary and trust instead of choosing the path of bitterness or fear. And I completely understand this is not of my doing- it is the Holy Spirit. Because I am weak, we are all weak. But He is strong in us. Though I still have tears, I can confidently say I am so so so beyond thankful for God allowing me to be pregnant. I begged to see those two lines show up so many different months in a row. I did not know if I would ever know what it feels like to be living the miracle of human life growing inside my womb. The week I knew we were pregnant was such a gift. God did not have to give that to me, but He did. How very kind. I know so many women who long to see those two lines and have not. I know their struggle and their heart ache. So I do not take that miracle lightly. But I treasure it. {this blog post was going to be titled “the miscarriage” but I had to change it to “the pregnancy" because gratitiude is what I am holding on to through this}.

 I have also thought of the book of Job in the Old Testament in the second chapter -so many hard and horrible things have happened to him and his wife is totally over it and she tells him to just curse God and die. But he says- shall we accept good from God and not bad also (total paraphrase). It is easy to give glory to God and thank Him when our lives are easy and feel full of good things, but what about when tragedy hits us? I think somehow He is even closer during the times of trials in our lives.

A friend miscarried very near to when I did and I gave her a note with this poem in it that had been on my heart. It was quoted by Elizabeth Elliot at a funeral and it has stuck with me since I heard it. If you are going through a hard time, if you have had a miscarriage or lost your job or just feel like all is lost maybe this poem will be a blessing to you as well.

The Thorn
by Martha Snell Nicholson

I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
I cried, “But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me.”
He said, “My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.”
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

Thank you to everyone who has wrapped my little family up in your arms of love these past few days. It is amazing to watch the hands of Jesus reach out to you through your family and friends when you are walking a difficult path. I hope I can repay each of you for all you have done for us.

If you are walking through a hard time- cry, grieve, express your pain and be real but don’t forget to look up at the One who is holding you. We will get through this. We might be physically exhausted and emotionally drained and pale as a sheet from blood loss… but we were pregnant and that was such a beautiful gift.

 For “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10).