Hurting Yet Hopeful

     About two weeks ago I received an e mail from my adoption social worker asking if we could speak on the phone with her supervisor as soon as possible. Mike and I both had a bad feeling. Neither of us would verbalize it, but the pit in our stomachs was mutual.

     Mike was at work so I spoke with our social worker alone. She and her supervisor broke the news to me that Little Moon was no longer available to be adopted internationally but that India would be looking for an Indian family to adopt him domestically. They said there was nothing they could do. We were no longer matched with him.

 I told them I knew God was in control, she prayed for my family and Little Moon.

Click.

Tears.

Tears from a fountain whose source seemed endless.

     I called Mike and tried to sound calm, he held back tears as well and we both told each other we were sorry we were not together for that moment. I text my parents and siblings to get some prayers and support. My sweet parents who were on their way to the beach turned right around and headed to my house so that I wouldn’t have to be alone (a better family I couldn’t even imagine).

     Of course, since this is reality, I couldn’t just kneel down and cry out to Jesus with all my questions or curl up in a ball…Milla’s Easter party at school was already in progress and I was getting text messages asking if I was coming in (you see-I took the social workers call in my car at the school parking lot). Thank God for my neighbor who was waiting for me inside the school gates. She hugged me and helped me make it through the Easter party without Milla noticing her mama’s hurting heart (thank you Brittany).

     Mike ended up coming home from work. He didn’t want me to be without him, a blessing I never want to take for granted. We did not want to tell Milla until we had talked things through together and processed a bit. So that night Mike and I sat on the couch and talked and cried and prayed. We decided that we needed to ask for reconsideration from the Indian government on Little Moon’s behalf. We did not want to give up without fighting for him. I don’t think I would have forgiven myself if I hadn’t.

     Our adoption agency reiterated that there was nothing they could do. So we looked elsewhere. The amount of God’incidneces and connections that I saw that week was amazing (not even kidding, I found a woman who fell in love with Lille Moon a year ago and was wanting to adopt him then! No way it could be anything other than God showing us how small we are and how intricate His dealings are within our lives).

     Well, after two weeks of holding our breaths, we received a final “no” from the Indian government. They reevaluated his file and they will be looking for an Indian domestic family to adopt this sweet boy.

     It is all still very raw to us. Even just typing this has me in tears. Some days I feel numb and unmotivated. Others I just feel sad. But through it all I feel so hopeful for what is to come. I am so grateful that I can fall back on my Rock. God knows what He is doing. I don’t want to trust Little Moon to anyone else, but God loves him more than I ever could and I do trust that. He has a plan and a purpose for that little man’s life. Maybe his file was brought to us so that we could become his prayer parents. I do know he is forever in our hearts. I have many children in China who I have loved as if they were my own for the past decade. He will be added to that most precious list. He may never know, but he has a prayer mama for life now.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28

I believe this.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me” Psalm 23:4

I believe this.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:1-3

{Comfort for all who mourn. A crown of beauty instead of ashes. The oil of joy. The garment of praise.}

I believe this.

     This in new territory emotionally for Mike, Milla and me. I am praying through this we can gain a new perspective of who God is: His love, His character. It is an opportunity to learn something about Him that we may have never known otherwise and I don’t want that to be wasted. I do not want sadness and frustration to cloud the beauty of what He is doing and what He wants to show us each moment of each new day. This is of course so much easier said than done, so please keep us in your prayers. Our hearts are still feeling the loss, and we desire so much for Little Moon to have the security and safety a forever family brings. Join with us in covering him with prayer.

     Thank you for holding our hands as we walk through this. I hope that if any of you reading this are suffering from loss this might be an encouragement somehow. Life is hard. Adoption is hard. Love is hard. But if we are called, we know that we CAN do it. God is with us, we will not fail.

{just as a side note, worship has been my constant companion these last two weeks. i wake up with a song and fall to sleep singing as well. if you are fighting or wrestling through something, might i suggest letting your heart be calmed by praise. fight on your knees & let your weapon be your worship}