Mike was at work so I spoke with our social worker
alone. She and her supervisor broke the news to me that Little Moon was no
longer available to be adopted internationally but that India would be looking
for an Indian family to adopt him domestically. They said there was nothing
they could do. We were no longer matched with him.
I told them I
knew God was in control, she prayed for my family and Little Moon.
Click.
Tears.
Tears from a fountain whose source seemed endless.
I called Mike and tried to sound calm, he held back
tears as well and we both told each other we were sorry we were not together
for that moment. I text my parents and siblings to get some prayers and
support. My sweet parents who were on their way to the beach turned right
around and headed to my house so that I wouldn’t have to be alone (a better
family I couldn’t even imagine).
Of course, since this is reality, I couldn’t just kneel
down and cry out to Jesus with all my questions or curl up in a ball…Milla’s Easter
party at school was already in progress and I was getting text messages asking
if I was coming in (you see-I took the social workers call in my car at the school
parking lot). Thank God for my neighbor who was waiting for me inside the
school gates. She hugged me and helped me make it through the Easter party without
Milla noticing her mama’s hurting heart (thank you Brittany).
Mike ended up coming home from work. He didn’t want me
to be without him, a blessing I never want to take for granted. We did not want
to tell Milla until we had talked things through together and processed a bit. So
that night Mike and I sat on the couch and talked and cried and prayed. We decided
that we needed to ask for reconsideration from the Indian government on Little Moon’s
behalf. We did not want to give up without fighting for him. I don’t think I would
have forgiven myself if I hadn’t.
Our adoption agency reiterated that there was nothing
they could do. So we looked elsewhere. The amount of God’incidneces and
connections that I saw that week was amazing (not even kidding, I found a woman
who fell in love with Lille Moon a year ago and was wanting to adopt him then! No
way it could be anything other than God showing us how small we are and how
intricate His dealings are within our lives).
Well, after two weeks of holding our breaths, we
received a final “no” from the Indian government. They reevaluated his file and
they will be looking for an Indian domestic family to adopt this sweet boy.
It is all still very raw to us. Even just typing this
has me in tears. Some days I feel numb and unmotivated. Others I just feel sad.
But through it all I feel so hopeful for what is to come. I am so grateful that
I can fall back on my Rock. God knows what He is doing. I don’t want to trust
Little Moon to anyone else, but God loves him more than I ever could and I do
trust that. He has a plan and a purpose for that little man’s life. Maybe his
file was brought to us so that we could become his prayer parents. I do know he
is forever in our hearts. I have many children in China who I have loved as if
they were my own for the past decade. He will be added to that most precious
list. He may never know, but he has a prayer mama for life now.
“And we know that all things work together for good to
those who love God and are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28
I believe this.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow
of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me” Psalm 23:4
I believe this.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because
the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind
up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from
darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the
day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those
who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the
oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of
despair.” Isaiah 61:1-3
{Comfort for all who mourn. A crown of beauty instead
of ashes. The oil of joy. The garment of praise.}
I believe this.
This in new territory emotionally for Mike, Milla and
me. I am praying through this we can gain a new perspective of who God is: His
love, His character. It is an opportunity to learn something about Him that we
may have never known otherwise and I don’t want that to be wasted. I do not
want sadness and frustration to cloud the beauty of what He is doing and what
He wants to show us each moment of each new day. This is of course so much
easier said than done, so please keep us in your prayers. Our hearts are still
feeling the loss, and we desire so much for Little Moon to have the security
and safety a forever family brings. Join with us in covering him with prayer.
Thank you for holding our hands as we walk through this.
I hope that if any of you reading this are suffering from loss this might be an
encouragement somehow. Life is hard. Adoption is hard. Love is hard. But if we
are called, we know that we CAN do it. God is with us, we will not fail.
{just as a side note, worship has been my constant companion these last two weeks. i wake up with a song and fall to sleep singing as well. if you are fighting or wrestling through something, might i suggest letting your heart be calmed by praise. fight on your knees & let your weapon be your worship}
I'm in tears for your hurting hearts but I know our God is faithful and He won't leave you comfortless. You have a great faith in His abiding love and your pain has offered comfort and hooe to others. He has a perfect plan for your life and will reveal it in His time.
ReplyDeleteYou have a wonderful supportive family and prayer warriors sharing this burden with you as we pray to the Father for you, Mike and Milla. You are loved!
Gerri