So as surely as i did not know what the next step was, the Lord revealed it to me. I remember one day in June just waking up stressed, wondering when i would hear from the hospitals i had applied to, when i would have a job, when i would be able to return to China... etc. The day after my birthday i happened to get food poisoning and was throwing up and laid up in bed all afternoon, that very same day i received an e mail saying that the one hospital i was waiting on and hoping for a job as was not hiring any new graduates at the moment. I couldn't believe it. I had thought for sure that there was the perfect fit for me... and now i did not have any more options.
I had told the Lord that if i didn't get a job i was going to go to china this summer with Bring Me Hope. But now that i had not gotten a job, i started to wonder if that was just me being selfish and irresponsible. Just because i wanted to go to china did not mean that that was the wisest choice for me (as i now had major debt that needed to be paid off). A few days later i just broke. I knelt in my room just so lost and confused as to what the Lord wanted for me. I prayed and then opened my Bible. It opened to "... But seek first His kingdom, and His righteousness and all these thing will be added to you as well..." (Matt 6:33). I thought "Lord i love this verse, but how do i do that? how do i seek first Your kingdom right now? does it mean going to China this summer? does it mean laying down my desires and starting to work somewhere? i will do whatever you desire o Lord- is that what seeking first Your kingdom means? and if so, what is it you desire?". So many thoughts and i had no answer, just a desire to follow and do what He wanted.
That day i sent out an e mail to some close friends and family letting them know that i had not gotten the job i had hoped for and to just pray for direction for me. Within a few hours i received a phone call. it was someone who desires to remain anonymous saying that they wanted to pay for my plane ticket out to China this summer so i could work with the orphans. I could not believe it. I just started thanking them and crying. The Lord made it so clear at that point and after that He wanted me to go. I had a garage sale fundraiser and with in a few days of collecting stuff my garage went from empty to overflowing in the largest of ways! i made about $600 from the sale that weekend! I do not think i have ever had donations and support like i did this last summer.
So sure enough, right after my family celebrated my mom's 60th birthday... there i was, once again in China. my plans were a little rough as i had planned the six week trip last minute but my trip was very full. I would stay two weeks in Xi'an doing summer camps with BMH. Then go to visit Hannah and her family to do medical checks on her dad and also assess their living situation since the orphanage they lived at last year had shut down. From there i would go to Zheng Zhou for a Chinese run summer camp for a week to help out. Then to Si Yan's orphanage for a few days to see her and get information on some of the other children there in order to make "adoption profiles" for them here in the states. From there it was off to Nanchnag for another week of Chinese run summer camp and a week of the Invision Project (a photography project where we worked with six older orphaned girls, teaching them about photography and giving them cameras to see how they did expressing themselves). The last week was to be spent in Changsha working at a hospice clinic for dying orphaned children.
The summer went pretty much this way. It was amazing all that i saw and i was able to do. I reconnected with so many of the orphans that had not been able to come to camp the past few years for various reasons. I was able to let them know they were loved and not forgotten by us. I was able to gather information in order to help get some little ones hopefully adopted from the states. I was able to have buddies the first week in Xi'an and really love and pour in to them. I was able to be a part of leading one of the translators, Casey, to the Lord (that was the first convert that i have been closely involved with ever in China! and it's been five years that i have been working here!)- God is soooo good! I was able to support Kristen in her Invision Project and keep her company as we were the last two of our group in China. I was able to hold dying orphans in my arms and sing to them, pray over them, and love them like no one ever had before they died.
There were also attacks emotionally and physically. I played a different role this summer in China. I was much more independent this time around. I traveled a lot by my self and made plans on my own (or just consulting a few different people), i was not part of the "group" as i normally am. I remember feeling really disconnected when i was first there. Usually i am there from day one with the BMH staff, but i came mid summer camp this year. I felt so out of place and it took me a while to find my place there- which was really insignificant. I felt a sense of uselessness at first, like i wasn't needed and the job i was doing someone else could have done 10 times better. I had to really fight these feelings as i knew that God had called me here this summer and those must just be lies. God could have sent someone else, but He didn't- He sent me. I also experienced a lot of humility. I was constantly surrounded by people who had been in China longer, knew more about the language and people, had done more to help the children, people who thought of me as insignificant or unimportant. I am sure this was good for me, just hard on my pride. ha ha ha. I also contracted viral meningitis during my first week in Nanchang. It was a week of dramatically high temperatures, pain that i had never felt in my head and in my body, and photophobia- which i had never experienced. This i believe was more of a trial for my family and for those that had to pick up the slack for me not being able to participate in helping the Chinese run summer camp that week. Once again humbled, as i could barely move and others had to help me. But, i have to say that if there were a good time in the trip to get really sick it was this week. I had done all my major solo traveling and now it was time to mainly be a support to others. I got over the worst of it in a week and am gradually regaining my strength even now.
This summer was amazing. It is now 5:38 am. I have been home for two full days and i am jet lagged and wide awake at the moment. Once again i cannot believe i am home. One of my lives seems like a dream- i just don't know if it is the one where i am in China or the one where i live here in southern California. I know that i am were God wants me to be. If i am not, He is faithful and will show me. He amazes me. It was such a blessing to re-discover that this heart that i have for China is from Him. He desired me to go this summer and withheld a job so i could do so. He placed this love in my heart. I know it is not from me, i am too weak to muster it up. This kind of love cannot spring from the human heart, only from the Spirit. I cannot tell you how thankful i am.
I do not know what the next step is, but i am at rest. I know the Lord will show me. What are we doing today Jesus? Show me and i will follow. Though there are so many question marks in my life, there are also so many ways i have seen You so clearly. So i do not doubt... i just believe.
"For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you, "do not fear, I will help you'." Isaiah 41:13
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