defrosting...

I have been home from China almost exactly three months. Just this morning in church i began to feel again. Not that i haven't been "feeling" per say, just now i was desiring Him. It amazes me how long it takes for certain nerve endings to regenerate from the numbness that paralyzes me after returning home from China. Why is that Lord? And why does it happen to me and not everyone else that comes back? i do not really understand it so much. But i stand before You thankful that i want You. Thankful that i desire to pray and seek You. Thankful that i am Yours. It is not like i lose my salvation or my faith- it's just like i get numb or frozen for a bit. Then steadily the heat of Your love melts me down and i begin to live again. Why does it take me three months? i have no answers. But that is okay.

i still do not have a job, bills are flying in- it seems like right after i get done paying them all for one month, the next month's start pouring in. Wow. How interesting to be a grown up with bills. i do not like it. i don't want to be in debt Lord. i saw it going so differently. i saw myself getting a great job right out of school and paying down my loans even before re payment began... but that is not what You saw. And You have better vision that i do Jesus :) i was reminded of the Psalm this morning where the righteous man is looking at the unrighteous and is coveting. But then the Lord shows him that he has God Himslef. And though it looks as if the Lord is blessing the rich, flourishing "sinner"- none of that in fact matters, because in the end he does not have God as his own. But i do. i may not have a job, a house, a husband, a child, or even a dog- but i have the Lord as my own. And that is all that matters. "Godliness with contentment is great gain" the Word says. Oh how it is hard to live contently when your focus is off. So now i declare that i am thankful. i am thankful for my family, my friends, my health, for China and my babies there, for nursing, for time off to enjoy those around me and to do so many things, for the job that God will bring, for the spouse that He will provide, for the children of my womb and of my heart that will come someday, for my future puppy dog, for today, and most of all for Him.

He who has the Lord has all things in One. i may only have One thing at the moment... but He is the only thing that i need forever!