now what???

wow could it really be? i am done with nursing school. i know it took a while, but it seems like it was only a small while as i am now looking back at it. now here is the big question... what happens now? i desired to become a nurse so that i could help the orphaned children of China (and where ever else God wanted me to go). then during nursing school i was able to visit china four times (by the grace of God) and love the children. but what now? i graduated (which means i now have loans to pay back), i moved back in with my parents, i am different than i was last time i lived here, my friends who reside here are different than they were when i used to live here, i have no real connection to anything here (except to my wonderful family, who i am so thankful for). so what now? i am applying for jobs in the pediatric field of nursing. i know loans have to be paid off some how, and getting the experience will be really great to take along with me... but some how doesn't that sound like cop out in some ways? responsible? yes. an excuse that keeps me from doing something bigger? ...maybe. i guess we will find out.

here's to the journey, to not knowing and holding on to the One that does.

do i miss those children? so much- every day in fact. do i have loans to pay off? yes. does it scare me to move to china? yes- but yet it calls me. am i finding the "least of these" that God has placed in my life now? yes... but increasingly i find that i do not know how to love them- that i don't know much of anything in fact. but as mother teresa say "Take away your eyes from yourself and rejoice that you have nothing, that you are nothing, that you can do nothing. give Jesus a big smile each time your nothingness frightens you. this is the poverty of Jesus. you and i must let Him live in us and through us in this world" so i will rejoice that even though i now have my bachelors degree and have the skills of a registered nurse... i am more nothing than ever and i know less then i ever have... and that makes me smile.