I wanted to write this during the “sorrows” that last for a
night, before the “joy that comes in the morning”. So often my go to is to share
things with others once I have them figured out and once we are on the other
side of the problem. But, God is so present during the valley’s and shadow’s
that it would be silly not to share.
Sometimes God says no.
Sometimes He does not open doors that we knock on. Even doors
that He has led us to.
So crazy right? Why? Honestly, I do not know the exacts of
His actions.
Why would our match with our little moon have gotten taken
away a year ago? Why would God
I do not know the answers. And it is hard to not know. It is
hard to feel sadness. It is so stressful to work strenuously and have the obstacle
remain unmoved.
Sometimes my mind says, “couldn’t God just act?”.
And the answer is “yes, of course He could. He is God. There
is no other and no one can stand against Him.” And then I feel a bit forsaken
if I am just being honest and raw. My faith in Him is un-wavered but His love
for me seems distant. And this state could lead to anger, depression, apathy…
But thank God for His grace and mercy that tethers my wandering
heart to His own. He reminds me of the cross. Of His pain and agony that He
endured just to call me His own. I cannot feel unloved by Him when all my life
He has been love to me. I came home from
India to a new song on the radio called “The Blessing” and every time it has
come on it has wrecked me. Like seriously- Holy Spirit falls and I sob and weep
at the truth that God is for me. That gentle reminder has brought my
heart back to life. That He has walked with me, my parents, my grandparents and
their parents- and He will continue to be faithful to my children and their
children, and their children. Because He loves me. And He loves to love His
children.
Our God has a plan. I am part of His
masterpiece. Sometimes that looks like pain and tragedy, but every composition needs
both high and low notes to create a beautiful symphony. There are more high
notes to come. How can I accept all the good the Lord has done for me, but not
accept hardship as well (paraphrased from Job). Am I somehow above hurt and
heartache? No, in fact Jesus tells us we will have trials in the world. Very often
we see heroes of ours go through deep waters and hot fires. Some come out unscathed,
some are burned- but they all hold on to what is true: Christ. He is what is
getting me and my family through this. He is why we will not stop rejoicing. He
is why I will have joy and sing- during the shadows, during the night.
As Pastor Brian reminded me on Sunday as he spoke about
Moses’ mother, “Entrust your kids into God’s care. Your children are only yours
on loan, trust God with your child and show your faith by making a little arc
and floating your child in the reeds of the Nile when He asks you to.” I am
sure Moses’ mother looked strange and crazy when she placed her son into that
basket, but God saw and directed. And that mother’s faith and act saved the Jewish
nation. I want to be that mother. I have one daughter in my home, a son that
will only ever be in my heart who we cannot adopt, a baby in heaven and a
daughter in India who I cannot bring home… God give me faith and strength to
place each of these in Your basket and float all of these children in the
reeds. I am thankful they are Yours and You are their Keeper, Father and Protector.
I humbly proclaim that I do not know more than you. And while I have soaked my
pillow in tears and cried out to You in frustration- I do indeed believe that You
know what is best. And I trust You. Thank You for the grace that reminds me
there is more than I can see and more than I will ever know going on. Use our
trials for your Kingdom and to bring You so much glory because You deserve all
the love, praise and adoration that can fill an entire universe. I am so thankful
l am Yours and that You are for me and my children, and their children, and
their children {no matter where those children might be}.
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