Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Born That Men No More May Die

 On Sunday at church we sang the familiar Christmas carol "Hark! the Harold Angel Sing". I love Christmas carols, Christmas time, celebrating Jesus birth, remembering that He loves us so much He came down to be one of us, to save us... like seriously LOVE it all! So I adore singing Christmas carols at any time! But on Sunday I sang this verse and burst in to tears- unable to finish the song. 

"Mild He lay His glory by, born that men no more may die." 

Isn't our world so full of death lately. Death of the body, death of joy, death of hope, death of common decency and love. Just seems like there is more dying than living right now.

 But guess what?! that is why Jesus came. So that we could live in death no longer.
So we could be free to live life abundantly!
And yes when death does come (as it will to each of us), He was born so even that pain would not be felt. He is life. He is hope. He is with us. 

He took off His glory to share in our sufferings so that death could not be a threat to us any more. 
How beautiful is that truth? I know Covid, sickness and disease have rocked all of our worlds. Some have lost loved ones, some have lost jobs, some have lost who they are... but let's remind ourselves that there is hope beyond death, beyond suffering, beyond hurt. He wanted to make sure we knew that. He gave up His glory and His life to ensure there was more than just this. 


Take a minute and soak that deep into your souls this Christmas. Immanuel, God is with us. And not just with us- but our savior who conquered sin and death for us.
Born that men no more may die.

Merry Christmas
~rose

Monday, May 11, 2020

no answers, only hope. {thoughts on when God says "no"}



I wanted to write this during the “sorrows” that last for a night, before the “joy that comes in the morning”. So often my go to is to share things with others once I have them figured out and once we are on the other side of the problem. But, God is so present during the valley’s and shadow’s that it would be silly not to share.
Sometimes God says no.
Sometimes He does not open doors that we knock on. Even doors that He has led us to.
So crazy right? Why? Honestly, I do not know the exacts of His actions.
Why would our match with our little moon have gotten taken away a year ago? Why would God
allow me to miscarry in December? Why wouldn’t God just send someone to help us obtain the paperwork we needed to bring out little girl home from India? Why is she stuck there without us? Wouldn’t it be so much better if she were home?
I do not know the answers. And it is hard to not know. It is hard to feel sadness. It is so stressful to work strenuously and have the obstacle remain unmoved.
Sometimes my mind says, “couldn’t God just act?”.
And the answer is “yes, of course He could. He is God. There is no other and no one can stand against Him.” And then I feel a bit forsaken if I am just being honest and raw. My faith in Him is un-wavered but His love for me seems distant. And this state could lead to anger, depression, apathy…
But thank God for His grace and mercy that tethers my wandering heart to His own. He reminds me of the cross. Of His pain and agony that He endured just to call me His own. I cannot feel unloved by Him when all my life He has been love to me.  I came home from India to a new song on the radio called “The Blessing” and every time it has come on it has wrecked me. Like seriously- Holy Spirit falls and I sob and weep at the truth that God is for me. That gentle reminder has brought my heart back to life. That He has walked with me, my parents, my grandparents and their parents- and He will continue to be faithful to my children and their children, and their children. Because He loves me. And He loves to love His children.
Our God has a plan. I am part of His masterpiece. Sometimes that looks like pain and tragedy, but every composition needs both high and low notes to create a beautiful symphony. There are more high notes to come. How can I accept all the good the Lord has done for me, but not accept hardship as well (paraphrased from Job). Am I somehow above hurt and heartache? No, in fact Jesus tells us we will have trials in the world. Very often we see heroes of ours go through deep waters and hot fires. Some come out unscathed, some are burned- but they all hold on to what is true: Christ. He is what is getting me and my family through this. He is why we will not stop rejoicing. He is why I will have joy and sing- during the shadows, during the night.
As Pastor Brian reminded me on Sunday as he spoke about Moses’ mother, “Entrust your kids into God’s care. Your children are only yours on loan, trust God with your child and show your faith by making a little arc and floating your child in the reeds of the Nile when He asks you to.” I am sure Moses’ mother looked strange and crazy when she placed her son into that basket, but God saw and directed. And that mother’s faith and act saved the Jewish nation. I want to be that mother. I have one daughter in my home, a son that will only ever be in my heart who we cannot adopt, a baby in heaven and a daughter in India who I cannot bring home… God give me faith and strength to place each of these in Your basket and float all of these children in the reeds. I am thankful they are Yours and You are their Keeper, Father and Protector. I humbly proclaim that I do not know more than you. And while I have soaked my pillow in tears and cried out to You in frustration- I do indeed believe that You know what is best. And I trust You. Thank You for the grace that reminds me there is more than I can see and more than I will ever know going on. Use our trials for your Kingdom and to bring You so much glory because You deserve all the love, praise and adoration that can fill an entire universe. I am so thankful l am Yours and that You are for me and my children, and their children, and their children {no matter where those children might be}.

Saturday, March 21, 2020

Waiting.Stuck.Praying.Hopeful.

Hello from New Delhi where we are also quarantined in our hotel room just like everyone back at home.
After we took our daughter to court on the 16th and received verbal confirmation that she is our daughter!! {huge beautiful victory, the judge said we were well suited for her & that i was a fit mother for this girl which the nun was very surprised about because she had never heard this judge speak so highly about a family}. Our agency wanted us to leave India a few days after. Of course we were hopeful to get our daughters written orders before leaving and bring her home with us. Turns out we were not allowed to leave her state until our agency sent us a letter of necessity (kind of crazy but cool because we were hoping to petition the court once again before we were pressured to leave anyway!). So we went once again to court... which had closed the day after our hearing. The judge happened to be there so I pleaded that she give us our written order due to the emergency state of our world and us needing to come home. She said she “could not” {absolute lie} and I had to leave.
Our agency gave us train tickets for the 20th so we spent the last few moments bonding with our girl and soaking her up. I even purchased plane tickets home. But after speaking with mike and praying we decided to cancel our plane tickets for the 22nd and try to appeal to the US Embassy and the Central Adoption Agency for India in person in New Delhi to take our girl home.
We left our baby girl with pain but do hopeful that we would See miracles once in Delhi and be with her soon.
We arrived in Delhi to find our normal shopping areas closed as well as the ATM machines we knew of. Our hotel restaurant was no longer allowing meals together but rather only offering room service. After a long evening of searching for essentials (peanut butter, stuff to make a laundry line, and coffee you just add water to...) I was tired and discouraged. Then we listened to the address from the US about needing to come home if you were abroad I told Mike I was done. I was tired. I had been fighting battles on all sides this week and now I was weary {there is too much to share but even those who should have been “for us” have either been against us or verryyyy unhelpful.} I told him that if we woke up in the morning and Kiran’s court was closed and there were flights available then we need to book one.
We woke up this morning.
Kiran’s court is closed till the 30th.
There are no flights in or out of India until the 30th.
I would have thrown in the towel and God in His sovereignty would not let me. I praise Him for that.
There is some fear knowing we are stuck here but there is also so much peace knowing I do not have to decide if we should give up and leave.
We drove to the people who could help us today and everything is closed till Monday.
So literally all we can do  is pray till Monday.
And then we will fight again. God has to move someone’s heart somehow to do something to help us.
With the court closed there supposedly is nothing anyone can do at all to help. But I refuse to believe that. We have everything we need in order to adopt this child but this one woman’s signature. Does that seem literally insane to anyone else?!
Pray with us. Praise with us. Hope with us. Until we cannot do any more.
“fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:10-12‬ ‭
Thank you ALL for your encouragement & love & prayers for us!!! We are so thankful for each word of love!!! You are fighting alongside us and we know the Lord hears us!


Wednesday, March 11, 2020

leavin' on a jet plane, don't know when we'll be back again...


Leaving on a Jet plane, we don’t know when we’ll be back again.
Truer words were never sung. Today we leave for India (Mike, Milla & I) to meet our little ray of light!
We are so extremely excited. It really doesn’t even feel real to be honest.
But while the past couple weeks since we found out when we would be traveling have been filled with so much joy and excitement it has also been met with so many unknowns.
Will we get to bring our little girl home this trip?
-I don’t know.
Will we get stuck or quarantined in India for a long period of time due to the corona virus?
-I don’t know.
Will the judge rule in or favor or will we have to keep going ba
ck for more and more court hearings?
-I don’t know.
Will we find any hand sanitizer to bring on the trip.
-nope. (hahahaha, luckily we had some left over around the house to bring!).
SOOOOO many unknowns. I found myself being overcome with fears, which is not normal for me. Probably trying to control, somehow, this increasingly stressful time. Isaiah 41 got me through these last couple of weeks. I will be continue to mediate on it’s every word as we go.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
11 “All who rage against you
    will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
    will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
    you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
    will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the Lord your God
    who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
    I will help you. {Isaiah 41:10-13}

I was reminded of David before he fought Goliath. He did not know the outcome, King Saul did not know the outcome, the Israelites did not know the outcome. How scary to be a young boy standing up to a giant. But he was just being obedient. Just being faithful to the call he heard from the Lord. And he saw the Lords mighty hand defend him and work miraculously. Milla, Mike and I talked about that around the table the other day and it brought so much peace. Knowing that He has called us right now to go get our daughter. In the midst of unknowns and sickness and disease. When flights are getting canceled and PPE (personal protective equipment) is hard to come by. When it doesn’t make sense to pull our daughter out of school for an unknown amount of time. When there are literally question marks and puzzles popping up every day that seem to be huge and overwhelming… He has called us at such a time as this.
And so, we go.
We are excited to see what this will mean. There will be beauty in whatever circumstances we land in because it will be right where God wants us to be. We are praying we see giants fall and mountains moved. We are praying so much that we get to bring our sweet girl home. Please pray with us. For favor, for health, for bonding, for joy, for peace, for more of Jesus as we fly across the globe. Love did so much to call us His own, we are thankful for the little we get to do to share that Love with others.
We are so thankful for each of you. Our community as been such a huge support to us these past two years. Thank you from the depth of our hearts.

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Our Ray of Light {it's a girl}


We have exciting news!
After a long wait we now know we are just steps away from bringing home a sweet two year old little girl from India! This adoption has been full of up’s and down’s and uncertainties,  but we are so thankful to be walking down this path and through this open door.

Her Indian name means “ray of light” which is exactly what news about this little darling has been to us these past few months. She has big brown eyes and the most kissable little lips, her ears are already pierced and she is wearing anklets and bangles in her videos and pictures. From what we have heard she is very dearly loved.
When she was brought to the orphanage she was sick and very unresponsive to cares. The nuns caring for her thought they would just be doing their best to make her comfortable till she passed. But God had other plans for this baby girl. The nuns quickly fell in love with her and they made it a point to given her special attention and to have someone praying for her around the clock. Day by day she grew stronger and became more and more responsive to their love and care. They now call her their little miracle.
When my agency was telling me this history and about her story, the song Rescue by Lauren Daigle was playing in the background. Tears filled my eyes and I just felt the Lord saying “I have rescued her”. He was there for her from day one and He fought for her and rescued this tiny human that the world probably would call insignificant. But she is not insignificant to Him. He reached down and saved her. And even if Mike and I were not adopting her- I have no doubt that God would do great things in and through her life. I am not her savior, healer, rescuer… but she has one and His name is Jesus.
{I will put some of the lyrics below for you to read. If you haven’t listened to this song please turn it on! When you hear it pray for our little ray of light}

Pray for us as we await a court date and then make travel plans. It could be next month or six months
from now, but you better believe this mama is on her face praying it is so soon. I want to hold this baby girl in my arms. Milla is over the moon excited. She has already gotten out her old 2-year-old clothes and started to go through them. She is “big sister’ing” it to the max and it is the sweetest thing. She is going to be an amazing big sis.

Please pray for:
~Health and safety for our girl
~Finances for travel
~A court date that is in the very near future and the ability to travel to bring her home soon.
We are so excited and so thankful for each of you as you have been praying for us and encouraging us! We feel so very blessed by each one of you. We will keep you posted as new travel plans come!!! Eeekkk!!!




{Some of the lyrics from Rescue}

There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you.
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you.

{these lyrics remind me of my little girl, but they are for each one of us too}



Thursday, January 2, 2020

the pregnancy.


I hesitated to start writing this as it is of a very personal nature, but writing is healing for me. And if my life’s story can in any way bless or encourage another human walking a similar path, I want to do that for the glory of God. So I will write about my miscarriage.

The week before Christmas I took a pregnancy test. Believe me I have taken many of these tests in the past three and a half years we have been married (maybe it is something about being raised in a Christian home or maybe just choosing to be a virgin till I got married- but I am just always under the assumption that I might be pregnant. Hahaha). Since I had never had a positive test I started reminding myself I was just being crazy and that there was no way we were pregnant since, of course we haven’t even been trying to conceive since we started the adoption process. But this time was different. I felt something in me say to be more of a Mary and less of a Zachariah. See since Christmas was coming up I had been reading Luke 1 and 2. Zachariah was visited by an angel and told his wife (Mary’s cousin) was going to have a baby (John the Baptist). Instead of believing he kept telling the angel how that could not be and how he must be mistaken. But when the angel visited Mary to tell her she was pregnant with Jesus her ultimate response to this insane news was: May it be to me as you have said (Luke 1:38).
So I started telling Jesus “may it be to me as you have said” instead of all the negative “there is no way I am pregnant” talk I had been doing.

So there I was taking the 100th pregnancy test in the last three years (I am exaggerating slightly)… and I saw them- two lines. I could hardly believe it. I have been waiting to see those lines for so long and I never knew if I would, but there they were. My eyes filled with tears, I dropped to my knees and thanked Jesus. What a blessing. What a miracle. The next day I surprised Mike with the news and then the family and eventually my extended family on Christmas Eve (you always want to have something fun to announce on Christmas Eve since it is just the best party of the year and  literally my whole family from both my mom and dad’s sides try to attend). It was like a dream.
I did not understand how it was going to work, we were going from a family of three to a family of five in just months with this new little one + our newest addition from India (we have a beautiful match, but that is for a soon to come blog update!!!!). How was God going to work out me being pregnant and us completing our adoption (pregnancy is greatly frowned upon when you are adopting and can halt the entire process). I did not have answers but I knew God did.
We had one week of this bubbling over excitement. Then exactly one week later the cramping and bleeding started. I knew almost instantly it wasn’t right, but I hoped against all odds it was not what I thought it was.

Saturday I had a miscarriage.

Talk about going from extreme highs to extreme lows. A miscarriage taxes you in every way possible. I am definitely still physically and emotionally drained. But I have found that I can still say: May it be to me as You have said. I can still choose to be Mary and trust instead of choosing the path of bitterness or fear. And I completely understand this is not of my doing- it is the Holy Spirit. Because I am weak, we are all weak. But He is strong in us. Though I still have tears, I can confidently say I am so so so beyond thankful for God allowing me to be pregnant. I begged to see those two lines show up so many different months in a row. I did not know if I would ever know what it feels like to be living the miracle of human life growing inside my womb. The week I knew we were pregnant was such a gift. God did not have to give that to me, but He did. How very kind. I know so many women who long to see those two lines and have not. I know their struggle and their heart ache. So I do not take that miracle lightly. But I treasure it. {this blog post was going to be titled “the miscarriage” but I had to change it to “the pregnancy" because gratitiude is what I am holding on to through this}.
 I have also thought of the book of Job in the Old Testament in the second chapter -so many hard and horrible things have happened to him and his wife is totally over it and she tells him to just curse God and die. But he says- shall we accept good from God and not bad also (total paraphrase). It is easy to give glory to God and thank Him when our lives are easy and feel full of good things, but what about when tragedy hits us? I think somehow He is even closer during the times of trials in our lives.

A friend miscarried very near to when I did and I gave her a note with this poem in it that had been on my heart. It was quoted by Elizabeth Elliot at a funeral and it has stuck with me since I heard it. If you are going through a hard time, if you have had a miscarriage or lost your job or just feel like all is lost maybe this poem will be a blessing to you as well.

The Thorn
by Martha Snell Nicholson
I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
I cried, “But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me.”
He said, “My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.”
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.
Thank you to everyone who has wrapped my little family up in your arms of love these past few days. It is amazing to watch the hands of Jesus reach out to you through your family and friends when you are walking a difficult path. I hope I can repay each of you for all you have done for us.
If you are walking through a hard time- cry, grieve, express your pain and be real but don’t forget to look up at the One who is holding you. We will get through this. We might be physically exhausted and emotionally drained and pale as a sheet from blood loss… but we were pregnant and that was such a beautiful gift.
 For “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10).

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Hurting Yet Hopeful

     About two weeks ago I received an e mail from my adoption social worker asking if we could speak on the phone with her supervisor as soon as possible. Mike and I both had a bad feeling. Neither of us would verbalize it, but the pit in our stomachs was mutual.
     Mike was at work so I spoke with our social worker alone. She and her supervisor broke the news to me that Little Moon was no longer available to be adopted internationally but that India would be looking for an Indian family to adopt him domestically. They said there was nothing they could do. We were no longer matched with him.
 I told them I knew God was in control, she prayed for my family and Little Moon.

Click.

Tears.

Tears from a fountain whose source seemed endless.
     I called Mike and tried to sound calm, he held back tears as well and we both told each other we were sorry we were not together for that moment. I text my parents and siblings to get some prayers and support. My sweet parents who were on their way to the beach turned right around and headed to my house so that I wouldn’t have to be alone (a better family I couldn’t even imagine).
     Of course, since this is reality, I couldn’t just kneel down and cry out to Jesus with all my questions or curl up in a ball…Milla’s Easter party at school was already in progress and I was getting text messages asking if I was coming in (you see-I took the social workers call in my car at the school parking lot). Thank God for my neighbor who was waiting for me inside the school gates. She hugged me and helped me make it through the Easter party without Milla noticing her mama’s hurting heart (thank you Brittany).
     Mike ended up coming home from work. He didn’t want me to be without him, a blessing I never want to take for granted. We did not want to tell Milla until we had talked things through together and processed a bit. So that night Mike and I sat on the couch and talked and cried and prayed. We decided that we needed to ask for reconsideration from the Indian government on Little Moon’s behalf. We did not want to give up without fighting for him. I don’t think I would have forgiven myself if I hadn’t.

     Our adoption agency reiterated that there was nothing they could do. So we looked elsewhere. The amount of God’incidneces and connections that I saw that week was amazing (not even kidding, I found a woman who fell in love with Lille Moon a year ago and was wanting to adopt him then! No way it could be anything other than God showing us how small we are and how intricate His dealings are within our lives).

     Well, after two weeks of holding our breaths, we received a final “no” from the Indian government. They reevaluated his file and they will be looking for an Indian domestic family to adopt this sweet boy.

     It is all still very raw to us. Even just typing this has me in tears. Some days I feel numb and unmotivated. Others I just feel sad. But through it all I feel so hopeful for what is to come. I am so grateful that I can fall back on my Rock. God knows what He is doing. I don’t want to trust Little Moon to anyone else, but God loves him more than I ever could and I do trust that. He has a plan and a purpose for that little man’s life. Maybe his file was brought to us so that we could become his prayer parents. I do know he is forever in our hearts. I have many children in China who I have loved as if they were my own for the past decade. He will be added to that most precious list. He may never know, but he has a prayer mama for life now.


“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28

I believe this.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me” Psalm 23:4

I believe this.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:1-3
{Comfort for all who mourn. A crown of beauty instead of ashes. The oil of joy. The garment of praise.}

I believe this.

     This in new territory emotionally for Mike, Milla and me. I am praying through this we can gain a new perspective of who God is: His love, His character. It is an opportunity to learn something about Him that we may have never known otherwise and I don’t want that to be wasted. I do not want sadness and frustration to cloud the beauty of what He is doing and what He wants to show us each moment of each new day. This is of course so much easier said than done, so please keep us in your prayers. Our hearts are still feeling the loss, and we desire so much for Little Moon to have the security and safety a forever family brings. Join with us in covering him with prayer.

     Thank you for holding our hands as we walk through this. I hope that if any of you reading this are suffering from loss this might be an encouragement somehow. Life is hard. Adoption is hard. Love is hard. But if we are called, we know that we CAN do it. God is with us, we will not fail.


{just as a side note, worship has been my constant companion these last two weeks. i wake up with a song and fall to sleep singing as well. if you are fighting or wrestling through something, might i suggest letting your heart be calmed by praise. fight on your knees & let your weapon be your worship}